You Are My T'hy'la 5 & 1
by storry-eyed
Summary: Five times Spock wanted to say to Jim, "You are my T'hy'la," and one time he did. K/S slash. Complete.


**A/N: **This is my first attempt at writing Star Trek fanfiction, and I'm just not sure if I wrote everybody right. I revised this until I couldn't look at it without going cross-eyed, and finally I just decided to go ahead and post it. Please tell me how I did!

Many thanks to Whispi, who taught me the right way to pronounce t'hy'la, which inspired this story. All errors are solely mine.

**Summary: **Five times Spock wanted to say to Jim, "You are my T'hy'la," and one time he did. K/S slash.

**Disclaimer: **Everything belongs to Gene Roddenberry and Paramount. I own nothing and am making no money from this story.

* * *

_I_

The first time Spock looked at Jim Kirk and truly saw him, it was because they were standing on the bridge of a ship that had been commissioned in the future by the Vulcan Science Academy, and it was very possible that they would never see each other again.

"Spock," Jim said, the corner of his mouth tilted up in a way that made Spock feel strange, "it'll work."

"Jim," Spock said, calling his acting captain by name for the first time, "in the event that I do not return, please tell Lt. Uhura that I-"

"Spock," Jim interrupted him, the same half-smile still present on his face, "it'll work." Before Spock could protest, Jim sprinted off the bridge.

Spock was disturbed by the short conversation, and annoyed that the captain had ended it so abruptly. He felt he had had something else he needed to say, but the captain had cut him off before he could figure out what it was. However, he had no time to think about it at the moment, so Spock put it to the back of his mind, flew the ship, and helped save Earth.

After Nero had been defeated and Spock was able to sit down and meditate for a lengthy stretch of time, he realized what he had been going to say. Although he had tried to tell Jim about his love for Uhura, Spock had known even then he was talking about the wrong person. Further meditation finally shed light on an incredible insight which changed his life. The love that he felt for Uhura, while real, was nothing compared to the love he felt for another. The love he felt for Jim was all-encompassing, leaving room for nothing more and taking his breath away. Spock knew that what he had been trying to say to Jim was, "You are my t'hy'la."

* * *

_II_

Spock broke up with Uhura one month and three days after figuring out that he was in love with his captain. He simply could not stay with Uhura when doing so constituted lying to her. Spock still loved her, but he had finally figured out the difference between loving someone and finding his soulmate. He knew he had hurt her, but couldn't have made any other choice.

For the first time, Spock found himself unsure of what to do next. He couldn't have stayed with Uhura, but he couldn't tell Jim how he felt. Jim was his Captain, his superior officer, but they were also slowly becoming friends. Spock wouldn't risk messing up either their working relationship or the fast friendship that was beginning to form. There was also the problem of his feelings most likely not being reciprocated, and Spock wasn't willing to take the risk of telling Jim how he felt and losing him as a friend forever.

"Spock, why did you break up with Uhura?" Jim Kirk asked suddenly, over dinner one night. Spock had been pushing a plate of vegetables around with his fork for ten minutes while the two sat, silent, in the mess hall of the Enterprise. The words took him completely by surprise. He never expected his captain to ask him such a question, and Spock had no idea how to answer. He could not lie, but he could not tell the truth, either.

"I was unaware that you knew of my relationship with the Lieutenant, Captain," Spock said after a moment.

Jim snorted. "I look over to see you kissing the daylights out of her on the transporter pad, and you think I don't know about your relationship?"

"I was unaware that you knew our relationship had ended," Spock clarified.

"Bones told me. He knows everything. He said you seemed … upset. And sad." Jim's eyes searched Spock's face, looking for a trace of anything to clue him in to Spock's thoughts.

"Vulcans cannot admit to feeling those emotions, sir," Spock said expressionlessly.

Jim drew a deep breath. "Spock, you're my first officer, but we've also managed to become friends, to spend time together and talk to each other. But ever since you broke up with Uhura, you've been quiet and withdrawn, and I – well, I'm worried about you." He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I know something's wrong, Spock. Do you want to talk to me? We can go to my quarters if that would make it easier." Jim hesitated, his voice pleading. "Please, I want to help you."

A strange feeling rose up inside him, one that took Spock a minute to identify. It was one of such fiercely protective love that it awed him with its power. It almost caused him to admit everything, to tell Jim that the reason he could not stay with Uhura was because Jim was his t'hy'la. But he was determined not to give in and cause Jim pain, because surely Jim would be upset when he learned of Spock's feelings.

"I appreciate the attempt, Captain; however, I cannot accept." Jim looked crushed, and Spock wanted to say something, anything, but felt that anything else he said would just make the situation worse.

"Fine, ok, whatever. Just forget I asked," Jim mumbled at last, and left the mess hurriedly, ignoring the concerned glances of his crew. With no reason to stay, Spock left as well, returning to his own quarters and attempting to center himself after the conversation. It was, for the most part, unsuccessful. Spock was beginning to believe that unless he was united with his t'hy'la, he would remain imbalanced forever, with half of who he was missing.

* * *

_III_

A few weeks later and very late into the ship's night, Sulu was explaining to Mr. Spock how the taxon he was growing in the Botony lab would benefit some of Spock's science experiments when they saw a flash of movement at the end of the hallway.

"No one should be out and about at this hour," Sulu muttered, and headed down the hall to investigate.

Spock followed a few steps behind him, knowing that he should be in the lead but unwilling to speed up. If Vulcans were able to, he would have said that he had a very bad feeling about this.

Sulu rounded the corner, and stopped short, Spock almost bumping into him. "Oh! Captain Kirk! I'm very sorry to intrude. We'll be going now."

Spock looked over Mr. Sulu's shoulder and froze. Looking slightly dazed, Jim and his yeoman were standing very close together, and it was obvious that a few seconds ago, the two of them had been kissing with great intensity and were on their way to the captain's quarters.

"We?" Jim asked, laughter in his voice, and then saw Spock. He pushed the yeoman away from him with sudden force, and attempted to straighten his uniform. "Mr. Spock. I didn't expect to see you here."

Spock didn't respond. Illogical though it was, he felt as though he had been betrayed. Spock wanted to cry out to Jim, to ask him why he had done this, to tell Jim that he was Spock's t'hy'la and belonged to him alone. But Sulu was hurrying back down the hallway, and Jim's yeoman was clinging to his arm, and Spock couldn't stay there a moment longer. He turned and followed Sulu back down the hallway, feeling as though his soul had been ripped in two.

* * *

_IV_

Bones knew something was seriously wrong between Spock and Jim. Over the first few months of the Enterprise's five-year mission, the two had gotten so comfortable together that they had taken to spending a lot of evenings alone together, and had relaxed enough to being teasing each other, making the entire bridge crew laugh. They both loved the Enterprise more than anything else, and saw it as their home, something that had helped bring them together. But suddenly, for no reason that Bones could figure out, they had become abruptly cold to one another. And if the change in their relationship was upsetting him, he knew it must be killing Jim.

So Bones had threatened them up one wall and down the other, and finally they had both agreed to come to sickbay and talk to him. Of course, neither one knew the other was coming at the same time. Of course, Bones hadn't mentioned the fact that they were both coming at all. Bones was both pleased and a bit surprised that they had agreed to come, but also worried that they hadn't mentioned it to each other even strictly as a part of their professional relationship.

When they both arrived in his office, bit confused but rapidly catching on as to why the other was there, he spoke, glaring at each of them in turn. "Now don't give me any damn excuses, either of you. Tell me why you aren't getting along. Because your relationship is suffering, the bridge crew is suffering, and, just in case you haven't noticed, the entire Enterprise crew knows by now that you two are having a fight and they're getting worried. What the hell is going on?"

"Spock broke up with Uhura," Jim said, after a very long pause.

"I know that," Bones snapped. "Does that mean he suddenly hates you?"

"I do not hate the Captain. To do so would be illogical."

"Spock," Bones said more gently, "are you upset about breaking up with Uhura?"

"I already asked him that," Jim snapped. "He wouldn't answer me, and then he declined my offer of help."

Finally, some light was being shed on the situation. Although he still wasn't sure what was bothering Spock, Bones understood why Jim was so upset. If he had reached out to Spock and cared about Spock enough to offer him his help, Jim must really have trusted and loved him. And when Spock denied his offer of assistance, in Jim's mind he was denying his offer of friendship – and perhaps more. And although he didn't know what was wrong, he could tell that Spock was hurting.

"Spock," Bones said after a pause, "maybe you should talk to Jim. Alone."

"Thank you, Doctor, but I assure you, I am fine," Spock said quietly, an emotion Bones couldn't quite place lurking in his dark eyes.

Jim stood up so fast he tripped. "Oh, what's the point?" He turned to storm out the door, but Spock called out to him before he could stop himself.

The hurt and pain Spock saw in Jim's eyes were torture to him. He would do anything, _anything_, to make Jim's pain stop. Spock would have told Jim he was Spock's t'hy'la in an instant if he thought it would help. But wouldn't it be best if Jim wasn't burdened with the knowledge that Spock was in love with him? Wouldn't Jim be happier in the end if he didn't have to live with the guilt of not returning Spock's feelings? He had to believe he was making the right choice.

Spock held back all the words he longed to say to Jim, and turned away. A second later, he heard the doors swish open and closed as Jim left. Spock waited, expecting Bones to say something, but the doctor was silent, and Spock exited the office silently.

* * *

_V_

Jim slammed the door of his temporary quarters shut with a bang and spun around. "Explain!" he barked at Spock, looking angrier than Spock had ever seen him.

"Captain, I merely wanted a word in private," Spock said, with deadly calm. "I do not believe it is in this expedition's best interests for the Captain of the Enterprise to be sleeping with one of Gamma III's diplomats. This planet would be a great asset to the Federation, sir. I do not desire for the outcome of our first mission to be jeopardized."

"This could have waited!" Jim snapped, pacing up and down. "You just had to have this private conversation in the middle of a very important dinner, did you?"

"I wanted to talk to you as soon as I was became aware of this information, sir."

Jim suddenly stopped pacing and studied Spock carefully. "The success of this mission isn't the real reason you're upset that I slept with her, is it?"

Spock's heart nearly stopped. More than anything, he wanted to tell Jim exactly how he felt. Saying the words that had been hanging in his mind for so long would take the weight of the world off of his shoulders. You are my t'hy'la.

"That is the only reason that matters in this instance, Captain."

"So there is another reason?" Jim asked quickly – and hopefully.

Spock said nothing. More than anything else, he wanted to tell Jim the truth – that he was Spock's t'hy'la – but he did not dare.

The silence stretched on, unbroken. Spock did not look at Jim, afraid of what he would see.

"We'd better return to the dinner," the Captain said at last, his voice heavy. "They'll wonder where we are." Torn between gratitude and disappointment, Spock moved to open the door, but Jim stopped him. "And after that, you'd better beam back up to the ship. I'd prefer that one of us be on the Enterprise whenever possible, and since I have to stay here until negotiations are finished, you must return to the ship."

"Yes, sir," Spock agreed, and they silently returned to the grand hall.

* * *

_And one time Spock told Jim that he was his t'hy'la…_

Spock ran down the hall, ignoring the stares and exclamations of the crew as he blew past. Meditating in his quarters after the incident on Gamma III, he had gotten a call from sickbay that the Captain had just been fatally injured, and the small illusion of calm he had been able to attain was instantly shattered. He had sprinted out of his quarters, ignoring Nurse Darrows' voice coming from the comm on the wall, and headed to sickbay as fast as he could.

Spock burst into sickbay, looking everywhere, trying desperately to find Jim. Nurse Darrows gasped and spun around at his violent entrance. "Mr. Spock! What are you doing here? I thought you were still in your quarters…" Her voice trailed off as she saw the expression on the first officer's face.

"Where is Jim?" Spock asked tersly. "Is he hurt badly?" Some far away part of him was saying that he was not acting very much like a Vulcan, but his panic for Jim was eclipsing all other thought, at least for the moment.

"He's in the operating room," Nurse Darrows explained quickly. "Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel are working on him right now. The landing crew did a fantastic job of getting him back to the ship in time, and Dr. McCoy is the best surgeon anyone could want. The odds are that he'll be perfectly fine."

Spock rushed to the door she had indicated and attempted to force it open, overcome with desperation to see with his own eyes that his t'hy'la was alive.

"Mr. Spock, no!" The nurse exclaimed in alarm, rushing to his side. "You can't go in there during the operation! It's not going to be an easy one, and the doctor cannot have his concentration broken." Her voice rang with a confidence that it had been lacking earlier. "Have a seat in Dr. McCoy's office. As soon as it's over, I'll alert you, I promise." She paused, then said more gently, "Spock, there's nothing you can do for the captain at the moment except wait. Please." After a moment's hesitation, Spock walked slowly into the doctor's office, sat down, and put his head in his hands.

After three hours, twenty-six minutes, and an unknown number of seconds that he didn't bother to calculate, the door to McCoy's office slid open. Spock's head rose slowly from his hands. The doctor himself stood there, looking very tired, but satisfied.

"Nurse Darrows told me how you came bursting into my sickbay and nearly wrecked Jim's operation," he said dryly.

"Doctor, I –"

"Don't say a word, Spock," Dr. McCoy said, and sat down in behind his desk with a sigh. "Jim will need a fair amount of recovery time, but he'll be fine. From what the landing party was able to tell me, he was sleeping – literally asleep in a bed – with one of the diplomats and she stabbed him. It's just lucky that Jim woke up and started yelling, and even luckier that Chekov and Uhura happened to be talking in the room right next to his, heard him, and went to investigate. Obviously, they shot the diplomat and we beamed everyone back up here right away. I told Darrows to contact you, and started on the operation immediately. Scotty warped us out of orbit as soon as everyone was aboard." He paused, letting the flood of information sink in, then leaned forward, forcing Spock to look at him. "Jim's going to be fine, Spock. I promise. When he wakes up, you can see him."

With the panic for Jim's condition beginning to abate, Spock felt the first stirrings of shame. "Doctor, I must apologize for my actions. It was entirely unnecessary for me to attempt to force the door of the –"

"Spock, don't even bother. I understand. I know you were worried about Jim. I understand." Bones studied the Vulcan carefully, then said, as gently as he could, "You're in love with him, aren't you, Spock. Don't look at me like that," he added. "Ever since you broke up with Uhura I've wondered why you left her. Ya'll loved each other; it didn't make sense. But after I talked to Jim a little I started getting suspicious. All it took to figure things out was me paying a little more attention. A blind man could see how you feel. Your actions today just proved I'm right."

Spock sat in disbelief. Then he said, "I am at a loss with how to respond."

Bones grinned. "If you're admitting that, you must feel bad. Don't worry about it." The two were silent for a few minutes, and then Bones stood up. "I have to check on our patient now, but consider this: you are not as alone as you think." He left the office quietly.

Spock had been sitting in the office for over five hours, McCoy coming and going as he monitored Jim and worked on an official report for Starfleet, when the comm buzzed. "He's waking up, Spock," the doctor's voice informed him.

"On my way," Spock affirmed, and left the office without a backward glance.

Jim was just stirring when Spock entered the recovery room. He crossed quickly to the bedside, and stared down at Jim, who looked almost small under the sheets.

Jim's eyes opened very slowly. Spock let out a breath at the sight of his t'hy'la's eyes, as beautiful as ever. "Whu – whuzgoinon?" Jim mumbled.

"You're in sickbay, Jim. You've been out for a couple of hours after an operation. How do you feel?" Bones asked gently.

"Bad."

"How bad is bad?"

"'S been worse."

"But you're not in unbearable pain, is that correct?" Jim mumbled a yes.

Bones fussed with the monitors, made a few adjustments and took a few tricorder readings, then nodded to Spock. "I'll be back," he said, and left the room.

After a minute, Jim focused on Spock, seeming much more alert. "What happened?"

Spock hesitated.

Jim frowned. "Tell me. That's an order."

"One of the diplomats from planet Gamma III attempted to kill you. As you know, she did not succeed. The landing party was able to beam you back to the ship, where Dr. McCoy performed an operation immediately to save your life, which is the most important thing by far. However, based on my analysis of the situation, I do not believe that Gamma III will be joining the Federation."

Jim started to laugh, but stopped quickly, wincing. Spock moved to call Dr. McCoy, but stopped when Jim began to think. "I guess I should have listened to you, huh, Spock? You always know what's best for me better than I do. Shows what a dumbass I am."

A million emotions crashed down on Spock at the same time, and suddenly it was all too much. "Oh, t'hy'la," he said softly, speaking the word without any reservations, his heart nearly breaking at Jim's expression and tone of voice. "You are not dumb in any way. You are the best Captain anyone could wish for. You are smart, and brave, and wonderful."

"Wonderful?"

Spock thought of protesting, but knew that it was futile. So he nodded instead.

Jim started to say something, but changed his mind. "What does t'hy'la mean?"

"It is a Vulcan word, usually translated as friend or brother," Spock said hesitantly.

Jim studied Spock. "But there's another translation, right?"

"Yes," Spock admitted, noting how easily Jim saw through all his defenses. But perhaps it was a good thing.

"What is it? No, Spock, I want to know. Please, tell me." Spock started to stand up, but Jim made an angry noise in his throat, and despite wincing at the movement, reached out and grabbed Spock's hand.

Ordinarily, this action would have allowed Jim only minimal connection to Spock's mind due to the Vulcan's shields, but because Spock was in such emotional distress at the moment, his mental control was not as effective as it should have been. To make matters worse, Spock was unprepared for Jim's sudden contact and didn't have a chance to even place temporary shields around his mind. As a result, Jim found himself abruptly inundated with all of the thoughts and emotions which Spock had been hiding for so long. Spock found that the reverse was true for him.

Afraid of what Jim would find in his mind, and of what he might find in Jim's, Spock tried to pull away, but Jim was holding his hand in a death grip. He stubbornly refused to let Spock go until it was much too late for Spock to hide anything. But in reverse, he didn't hide anything from Spock. Instead, he nearly threw his feelings at Spock's mind.

After what seemed like hours, Jim finally let go of Spock's hand, leaving Spock in shock of discovering the truth about Jim's feelings for him. Spock felt in Jim's mind the same turmoil that he himself had been hiding for months, the same pain, the same hopeless longing. But most – and best – of all, he felt the same love.

"It also means lover, doesn't it," Jim said finally, his eyes very soft.

"Yes," Spock breathed, voice barely above a whisper. "T'hy'la means friend, brother, and lover."

Jim smiled the beautiful smile that made Spock's heart flutter. He looked more happy and content in that moment than Spock had ever seen him. "I love you too, Spock."

There were a thousand things Spock could have said in return. But he chose the sentence he been desperate to say so many times, one that he could now say as many times as he wished and know that he was finally whole and loved in return.

"You are my T'hy'la, Jim, my friend, brother, and lover. I love you."

* * *

Please review and tell me what you thought. Thanks for reading!

FL7


End file.
